Date: Thu, 17 Aug 2000 02:53:56 -0400 Subject: Without You by Nunley Source: direct Title: Without You Author: Nunley Summary: Scully's thoughts after Without Category: romance, angst, MSR, RST Key words: Fear, truth, without Disclaimer: Not mine, nada, nil, zilch, zero. CC, Fox, and 1013 have all the rights and the big bucks to prove it. Spoilers: Without Feedback: havelockxf@hotmail.com Location: Scully's hospital room I search for what I now believe is out there. Out there and here in the same instant. The proof lying before my closed eyes in an image unerasable. Skinner lying in a pool of biological toxin melting into nothingness. My terror spilled out of my defensive facade. The unshed tears finally found their path and flowed with complete abandon. My many fears surfaced as I wept openly. Fears of facing this life without you. Fears of waking up to face each day without you by my side. Fears of raising this child we created so lovingly without a father. And sudden fears of losing this baby, my last tangible piece of you. I could feel you nearby as I roamed through the desert night. My goal was not aimless. I seemed to have been drawn to that spot where Agent Doggett found me. I felt you and the same strange feelings I experienced in the woods of Oregan. I know you were o ut there in that desert. As sure as I am lying here in this hospital, I felt your presence. I could feel your pain. My dreams have become nightmares. My sleep is riddled with horrific tortures being administered upon your flesh. Your soul cries out and my heart weeps. Can these sights be authentic? Are my nightmares reflecting your reality? I pray they are false. These images haunt my mind as I move throughout these empty days. My body moves as an automoton. A mindless drone seeing to the necessary tasks of substaining mere existance. My thoughts concentrate on you and on how I can find you. I was so close today. Only my anger at Agent Doggett's stuborness and his unknowingly placing Skinner and Gibson in danger drew me away from that site. I made a promise to protect Gibson. I found him just in time to keep that promise. My only regrets are having to leave when I was so close to finding you and nearly sacrificing our own child in the desperate need to protect Gibson. My paranoia grows exponentially with every passing moment. Each time the door opens to admit some nurse or doctor my heart stills within my chest as I anticipate an attack. My mind tells me he is now dead. Obliterated from this earth by my own hand. Never theless, my heart reacts. These fears enrage me. My anger wills me to move into action. Where are you now? Do you remain in the Arizona desert? Do more of these bounty hunters exist? Is Gibson still in danger? My sensible brain gives way to selfish thoughts of romance. Memories still so new. Yet I cannot recall how I faced those countless nights alone. I miss you. I feel incomplete without you.. How do I face the morning without your voice in my ear? How do I face the night without your arms encircling me? I make this promise to you now. I will find you. I will not give up on you. I believe you are out there somewhere. I promise to never waver in my pursuit. The odd looks and laughs at my expense will be ignored. I know now. You were never crazy, Mulder. Yo u knew the truth all along. And now the truth has finally permeated through this skeptic brain. My analytical thoughts accept and embrace your truth. For only the truth will you bring you back to me. To us... I believe.