From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: 21 Feb 2005 21:14:56 -0000
Subject: The Woman In His Heart by spangle
Source: direct

Reply To: spangle1013@msn.com


TITLE: The Woman In His Heart. 
AUTHOR: Spangle
CATEGORY: MSR
RATING: Caution Required (For strong language and sexual references.)
DISCLAIMER: These characters aren't mine, but use them
or lose them I say!
SPOILERS: Three
SUMMARY: Sometimes discovery is very painful.
AUTHORS NOTES: I always hated this episode, until
I recently re-watched it and realized I had been
wrong about it.  I guess I was a shipper even way back
then, and the thought of Mulder, well you know, with
someone other than Scully made me slightly ill.  Then I 
thought, what if this incident was what it took
for him to see what Scully really meant to him?  What
if even her abduction hadn't done that, and what I had
always seen as a sort of betrayal was necessary to the
process?  Anyway, I digress.  I'm just trying to make "Three"
work for me.  :)  
DEDICATED TO: An author's best friend - her beta.  In my
case, the ever-obliging, miracle-working Sallie, who never
refuses to help, makes fantastic suggestions and is a
source of endless encouragement.  I am truly grateful for
her time and for her friendship.  She's a gem.  Oh, and
she came up with the title, too - which I love!
FEEDBACK: Is always welcomed. spangle1013@msn.com



The Woman in his Heart.
by Spangle




He caught the red-eye back to D.C from L.A that
night, once the final paperwork had been completed.
In all, he'd been in the city of angels for slightly
under 72 hours, and he'd slept for maybe
five of them.  What he'd told the L.A detective was
true; he didn't sleep any more.  He worked, and
he worried, and he worked some more.  He stayed up
like this, several days at a time, until his body
could no longer function, then he'd finally fall
into a dreamless sleep for too few hours.  He'd
awaken with a start, back in the waking nightmare
that his life had become since Scully's abduction.

Truth be told, he was beyond exhausted at this point,
and close to physical collapse.  Glancing around the
dim aircraft cabin, it appeared he was the 
only person awake.  Mulder envied the peaceful
countenances of his fellow travelers--normal, everyday
people, leading ordinary lives.  He would bet money 
that none of them knew how blessed they really were.

Mulder could barely remember what normal felt like,
but he still missed it.  He missed Scully, and it 
was only because of the events of the last three 
days, that he'd come to realize just how much.

Mulder leaned his head against the bulkhead, and
stared sightlessly out into the night.  Losing Scully
had turned out to be something much worse than he'd
first thought.  The day she'd gone missing he'd 
certainly been scared for her, and frantic to find 
her, but he hadn't been scared for himself at that 
time.  Her loss it was a terrible blow, both 
professionally and personally, but he had lost 
friends before and moved on.  Grieved yes, even felt
responsible in part for what had happened to them, 
but he'd gone on.  

But this...what he was feeling now, what he'd learned
about himself, and his relationship with Scully, this
was different.  Mulder was scared for both of them now.
Afraid for her, wherever she was--whatever was 
happening to her could not be good.  This he knew
without a doubt.  And afraid for himself, 
afraid he didn't have the ability to move on 
with his life.

Not that he was giving up on her; he would never
give up on her.  They'd have to lay her remains
at his feet, prove to him that she was beyond his 
reach forever, before he would let go of his
determination to find her.  But he was terrified
that he'd literally fall apart if he had to do
this much longer.  

What had happened in Los Angeles, meeting Kristen,
and especially sleeping with her, had made something
apparent to Mulder that he simply hadn't known until
then.  

Scully wasn't just his friend; she wasn't just
his partner.  As crazy as he felt for allowing it
to happen, Mulder knew he loved her now.  Loved her
in a way that came from someplace so far inside him he
hadn't understood it until today.  Loved her with
passion, with honesty, with everything that he was and
more.  It came from his heart, his mind, his soul, his
belly; it encompassed all he was and it meant everything
to him.  It was terrifying, and he almost hated it.

Mulder closed his eyes and let the memory of what
had happened in L.A wash over him.

The moment his lips touched Kristen's it was beyond 
his ability to stop himself.  Her kiss burned, and
he felt the flames of his own desire consume him
immediately.  It had been so long since he touched
another person like that, since Diana left in fact.

It felt as good as he remembered...better actually.

Somehow they had fumbled their way into Kristen's
bedroom, hungry mouths never leaving each other,
yet eyes not really looking at one another.  Each of
them desperate for the act, the pleasure it would
bring, the temporary escape it promised.  Human
skin on human skin, the warmth and comfort of
being this close to another.  She was beautiful,
and damaged, so much like him in some ways, and
she wanted him.  He had no defense against her
desire, not at that moment, and up until the time
he entered her he had felt free to do it.

His freedom was fleeting.

It was Kristen Kilar, a virtual stranger, he'd fucked
yesterday in her bedroom, and yet she wasn't the
woman behind his closed eyes.  When he thought back on
it now, it wasn't Kristen he had slept with in
that bed; it was Scully.

Dana Scully, a woman he didn't even know he desired,
until the act of having sex with someone else, became
about her.  And the passion he felt for her stunned him, 
scared him to within an inch of his life.  He couldn't,
he couldn't feel this way about anyone...he couldn't
afford to.  He had nothing to offer and far too much
to do.

But love her he did.  Beneath his driving body, Kristen
had been the one responding to him, the one pulling him
in deeper, urging him to take her harder.  But when he
looked at her, her face became Scully's, her dark hair
changed to copper fire, her brown eyes became blue.

Pale flawless skin, became dusted with freckles, and
Scully's beguiling smile shone up at him.  The woman
in his arms had gone from beautiful but dark, to 
simply luminous, and he had been captivated.

When Mulder watched her come, it had turned him on 
beyond his ability to describe.  His own orgasm had been
satisfying in a way he had never experienced before.  For
one brief moment, he felt whole.  

But now, now he felt...broken.

Scully was lost to him.  He was no closer to recovering
her now, than he had been on Skyland mountain.  Worse
still, now it was no longer his partner that was missing,
no longer just his friend he'd lost.  It was someone he
honestly believed he could not live without.  How could 
he go on without his soul?  Why would he want to?

Mulder sighed heavily.  How could he have betrayed Scully
like that?  'Oh come on' one half of him said.  'I didn't
know I loved her...I swear I didn't know!'

'You should have known; you should have realized,'
his heart demanded.  'Did you think you could keep everyone 
out forever?'

He still felt like it had been Scully he'd made love to.
When he remembered it, when he relived it, it was her, it
really was.  But in reality, he had had unprotected sex with
a total stranger; he'd been enjoying himself, while the
woman he loved...

Mulder couldn't complete the thought; it hurt too much.
Fingering her cross once more, he shut his eyes and tried
for the remainder of the flight to turn his mind off.
If he was aware of the fact that every now and then a tear
escaped the corners of his eyes, he didn't show it.

A few rows back however, someone did take note of it,
and when the plane finally touched down in D.C. that 
someone made a call from the terminal.  His call was 
brief, he spoke only two words before hanging up, but
those two words made the smoking man in his apartment
smile slowly.

"It's working."

Fin.