From: Michele Connole Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2000 02:37:39 -0700 (PDT) Subject: xfc: Womb (1/1) Source: xfc "Womb" by MaidenJedi Rating: R Category: post-ep, V, SA, Mulder/Scully friendship (no overt MSR here at all, so this is relatively safe for noromos too) Spoilers: Sein und Zeit, a little Leonard Betts, cancerarc Summary: Scully is preparing to do the autopsy on Teena Mulder, and it leads to unsettling thoughts. The style of this story is my own interpretation of stream of consciousness. *you have been warned.* Disclaimer: Scully, Mulder, and the rest of The X-Files belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox entertainment. No infringement intended, this is a labor of love by a diehard fan. Archival: Yes to everybody who wants it. Just keep my disclaimer intact, and leave my name on it! Feedback: ICQ #35103494, or email texgoddess@yahoo.com. Author's note at the end of the story. ------------------------------------ I can't do this. Of the hundred's of autopsies I've done, none have affected me like this. Even in med school, I was the classic stoic, always the first volunteer. I have always prided myself on it, this ability to block out death, to ignore it, and since I came here, cheat it. But tonight...death is everywhere, and it sleeps in my bed to keep me from sleeping. Just as well, that way I don't dream of death. Death gets to be a part of you when you face it so often. How will I face him after this? He's been so haunted lately as it is, with the La Pierre case bearing down, reminding him of Samantha, reminding him of what he thinks are his failures in life. Mulder's stamina is weakening these days, and now his mother...How could she? How could she die on him, now when he needs family more than anything? When he needs to be held and comforted and reassured that the world wasn't falling apart. He needs you and you aren't here, you're a corpse, and unless we stay trapped inside our minds when we die, you aren't here and..... There she is. Death's handmaiden. God, look at her. Cold, and so quiet and still. Won't she sit up? "Dana, how good to see you. How is Fox doing?" Another life now, for Mulder, and for me. Me his partner, me his other half, because in the FBI and especially the X-Files a partnership is a marriage, a bond, and what happens to him happens to me. He has no one left. Well, there may be Samantha, but he has no one right now, no one to get him through this. *buthedoeshavesomeonescullyhehasyouhehasyouhehasyouandyouhavehim* How will I face him? Alas, the hour groweth late. How gray she is...were all the other bodies this gray? Have I really become so accustomed to death? The better to haunt your dreams my dear. First incision. Don't hold your breath like that, she might think you noticed how she smells, like formaldehyde and death. Warmed over. (*deathwarmedoverisntthatfunnyshesmellslikedeathwarmedover*) God. Look at the blood. Mulder's blood, her blood, and I have it on my hands. I...I... Stop it Scully. Blood, yes, on your latex gloves, and not your hands. The cuts, make the cuts. She is not anyone, she is just a corpse, a corpse, and oh how her hazel eyes shine, how sad they look, how knowing, they are just like Mulder's... Nausea. Don't let this get to you Scully you can DO THIS. Next incision. See, that's not so bad. You can do this. She's a corpse after all. Oh, but her skin had been so unyielding, so impenetrable, she was invincible and she let death have his way, and watch the blood flow as I cut deeper and dig, maybe I'll find death while I'm there, inside her, inside.... Cancer. *youhavesomethingineeddanayouhavecancerandohmulderitsallyourfault* There it is. Plain as day. Cancer. She knew, she never told a soul. She just didn't want to suffer, surely, surely she wasn't afraid to die, because she knew death was coming, she just chose to meet him in the middle, and you would too Scully, you had those thoughts, when Leonard Betts told you and in that instant you knew and all you wanted was to die but Mulder wouldn't let you he didn't want you to meet the reaper and he fought for you he fought... My thoughts are so erratic. Maybe I need a vacation. Keep digging, keep cutting. There's more to it than this. Be the doctor. *ohdeargoditisherwombthewomb* Ok, girl, breathe. Its just a (*womb*) uterus, you've seen hundreds. *butmulderthisiswheremulderthisiswhereshecarriedmulder* Funny, that hadn't ever occured to me. This is the womb that bore Mulder. That bore Samantha. And this is the woman who let them both hurt for so long. I hate you. I have to break this to him, have to tell him in no uncertain terms that you broke his heart, and I have to tell him you did this willingly that you didn't want comfort. He's hurting you know. Did you know that, did you think of him as the pills did their work, as the gas permeated your lungs. I thought of him you know, I always think of him, I came back from the dead for him because I had the strength of his beliefs, and I was brave enough to stay because I needed him as much as he needed me. I... I... neededhimscullyyouneededhimandrightnowheneedsyouheishurtingandyouareallhehas I'm done here. Your hazel eyes are still staring, so I'll close your eyes for you. I know, I understand. I wanted to, you know, I wanted to save him the hurt. But don't you see, he saved me. And now I have to go save him. THE END --------------------------- Author's Notes: Sein und Zeit was one of the first episodes I ever saw when it was "new", and I can truthfully say that it was responsible for getting me hooked and into fanfic. "Womb" was the first vignette I wrote, and it took some time, because this struck me as Scully's one weakness; having to face down Teena Mulder, and confront her. It was something I felt she had to do. Thanks goes as always to JediNate for being a Phile/Shipper and getting me into The X-Files. Thanks also to my senior English AP teacher, who taught me that stream of consciousness isn't just Faulkner-on-opium writing, and to appreciate it. Who knew I would remember something like that? And a big thanks to CC for creating the characters that have become my muse. Feedback, as always, is welcomed with open arms in any form. texgoddess@yahoo.com ===== "Ginger had it easy. She had only had to do everything that Fred did, but backwards and in heels."--- anonymous How do you know you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac says "Lets just be friends." http://www.geocities.com/texgoddess (the kiosk) Aries: (March 21--April 19) You will lose all credibility when it is revealed that, contrary to your claims, your life is not based on a true story. (from "The Onion")