From: Roar-ra Date: 26 Aug 2002 21:20:32 -0700 Subject: xfc: Wondering About Wanting Source: atxc Title: Wondering About Wanting Author: Roar-ra (roar_ra@yahoo.com) Rating: PG-13 to R (the smut is in the sequel sorry) Summary: Musings of our favorite Rat while watching M&S. Category: MSR/UST, K/Sc/UST (one sided for now) Spoilers: None I can think of - general timeline feel of S6 Feedback: Insert groveling plea here. Archive: I'd be honored. Please let me know so I can visit. Stop staring at them; you know why they're waiting outside that fleabag motel. The bug planted under the steering wheel has gone undetected for months now. Funny how careless they are about car security when they know we've broken into both their office and apartments on numerous occasions. I know how this is going to end: just another wild goose chase down dark alleys chasing shadows. He'll continue to take liars and murderers at their word because he "wants to believe" and she'll follow, listening patiently, trying to keep him from being lured too far past the point of reason. Not that it will do her any good. He'll throw all help in the form of logic back in her face these so called "informants", many of whom have been sent by the old man to keep them off track. Follow the bread crumb trail, kids... till you're so lost no one believes your ranting anymore. Unfortunately it's taken longer - much longer than anyone ever expected - to make the x-files lose credibility. She has kept you alive and afloat a lot longer than we ever thought possible, Mulder. Saved my sorry skin too, for that matter, though I'm sure she would take it back if given half a chance. I owe her, Mulder. I haven't forgotten that. Maybe that's how I can justify watching you two wait for this non-existent informant, bored out of my mind in the back of this van surrounded by the best surveillance equipment money can buy. Wasting time listening to you crack those damn sunflower seeds and watching her stare out into darkness. What do you long for, Agent Scully? I see those icy blue eyes searching for something more than the caller who gave your partner the anonymous tip tonight. I'd love to know what you desire. Mulder's pathetically easy to read and twice as easy to manipulate. "His truth" and "his Scully" are now the only things he cares about. But you are still an enigma to me, a beautiful puzzle that begs to be solved. I owe you for saving my life Scully, and though I know you want nothing from me, I'd love to be the one to crack that stoic facade and make you smile. But you'd accept nothing from me, even if I could figure out what it is you want. Is it possible you still want Mulder? Sexually speaking, of course. You've already got him in every other way, girl. But what you have with him no longer seems to make you happy. Your smiles are harder now, your laughter bitter more often than not. Will having him in your bed make you smile sweetly, Scully? Or is that what you want least? You're drawing away from him and he's too blind to realize it. He fools himself in to believing all of the 'I'm fines' you throw at him. He thinks you're happy like this. The two of you have some serious communication problems. I've seen hundreds of hours of surveillance footage from his apartment. Watching Mulder feeling sorry for himself as he jerks off to any number of red headed video vixens, trying to keep your name off his lips as he comes. He's finding more and more difficult to keep silent each day. More often than not he is now shouting your name along with curses that sound like a chanted prayer, you are his angel and demon temptress at the same time in that moment. Mulder's psyche is so warped sometimes it's beautiful. But enough of Mulder; tonight I'm focused on you. You want something, Scully, and sometimes I'm just crazy enough think I might be able to give you what you need. I'm not Mulder; I wouldn't want to be. The only thing I envy him is you. And I'm trying to figure if it's possible to be everything to you that he is not. Scully, we're going to have a chat soon. Tonight, if possible, before I can talk myself out of it. I'm feeling hopeful for the first time in longer than I care to remember, Scully. I'm already imagining the fun of convincing you I'm the perfect consort, rather than the last one you'd ever imagine. How do you manage to arouse me just by imagining your reluctance and indignation? Perhaps it's the challenge and the fun of disproving your logical reasons, stripping away your excuses one by one. I look at my reflection in the glass and realize I'm smiling like a lovestruck fool. My mind races as I work through the possibilities. Should I be waiting for her when she arrives? Or surprise her once she is relaxed? Which way am I least likely to be shot on sight? She carries that gun around everywhere. This game is going to be fun planning out what to do and say... I catch myself humming an old Russian drinking song as I make a mental map of her house, remembering where all her other guns are located. My smile widens as my plan takes shape; I haven't had this much fun in years. Thank God Mulder is finally calling it a night. Only 3 hours of waiting before he realized this is a lost cause; I'm impressed. I thought we'd be here at least another hour before he gave up. Or perhaps he noticed his partner's disquiet and decided to leave early. He's trying to get her to grab a bite to eat. She's turning that down - good. I didn't want to have to wait through another night of platonic scully/muldering now that I've put together my plan. They're leaving, I'll figure 30 minutes to get her car, then another 40 for the drive to Georgetown. That gives me just enough time to set everything up before she arrives. I hope this works, cause it's going to a one shot deal, no second chances. Everything will have to be perfect. I continue to hum as I speed off to Georgetown. I'm nervous as hell but I can't stop smiling. I can make it perfect. End part 1. Authors Notes This is a repost, the original did not appear at Gossamer and I'm hoping it gets archived this time. Thanks to my wonderful betas: Bardsmaid - for being the most incredibly through reader I've met so far, Janet - who added polish and Mrs. Stan Kelly - who is my original and queen of speed beta. You guys rock!