From: Spooky2u2 Date: 17 Jan 2003 00:23:58 GMT Subject: New: The Words (1/1) Source: atxc Title: The Words Author: Spooky2u2 Rating: G Category: Angst/ MSR/ Scene from SUZ Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine. They belong to Fox. *********************************************************************** Mulder's weight fell heavily on her as she pulled him forward into her arms. If she could only bare the weight of his grief for him so easily. His arms came around her, holding her close as she began to rock him ever so gently and run her fingers soothingly through his hair. Soft tears became wracking sobs. "I'm sorry Mulder. I'm so sorry," she whispered to him. His shaking continued. She held him tighter as he cried , knowing words weren't the answer now. When his body seemed to quiet, she tugged him with her to the floor. He didn't resist as she gathered him to her and began massaging his scalp tenderly with her fingernails. Mulder's words were meek and broken when he finally spoke, "It's over, Scully. All I wanted was... to bring Samantha home to them. She would forgive me then. She'll never forgive me now. It's over," his voice to the edge of tears again. "Mulder, you're mother didn't blame you for what happened to your sister. She loved you very much." "My mother couldn't stand to look at me, Scully." His voice was raw with pain. "That's not true," she gently assured him, fingering the fine hairs at the back of his neck. He continued as if he were speaking to himself. "Every time she looked at me, she wished it had been me that was taken. I wish it had been me, too." Though it was a selfish thought, Scully couldn't help but think how empty her life would feel without Mulder. Perhaps that dependence should have worried her but for now she was only afraid for him. She pulled away from him to take his face in her hands. Her bright blue eyes bore into some part of him that was still reachable. "Don't say that. Don't you *ever* say that." Her voice was stern yet a sliver of fear at his words came through. Her sternness seemed to stun him into silence as he stared blankly back at her, his eyes still glistening with fresh tears. She wasn't sure she should continue but seeing his lost expression, she did. "It's very possible she was afraid to love you, afraid that *you* could be taken from her and she would have to feel that pain again. But even if that's true, it doesn't mean she didn't love you, just that she was afraid of what that meant. " He grew very still and quiet at her words. Maybe Scully was right. He had pushed her away for so long, tried so hard to pretend he didn't need her...love her. The truth was, he needed her like the air he breathed and had only recently admitted it to himself and to her. Had he learned to protect himself that way from his mother? To keep away the people whose loss would hurt the most? "Maybe," he whispered as settled against her again. Scully's arms came around him, the fingers of her right hand played at the nape of his neck once again. "....I just..." "Just what, Mulder?" she gently prodded. "I just wanted her to tell me she loved me. I wanted to hear her say the words. Just once. I always thought...one day..." His voice quivered with the pain of his confession. His mother had never told him she loved him? Her own tears were falling now. Such a beautiful man. Such a good and beautiful man. How unjust it seemed that life would be so cruel to him. How was it that despite all he had suffered and lost, he still became a man any mother would be supremely proud to call her son? And yet his own mother never told him that. Perhaps because she didn't know him. She never knew the precious gift she was given the day he was born . It was she who missed out in not knowing this man. It was she who should be mourning all that she had so carelessly thrown away. To never tell her son she loved him...My God. Suddenly a wave of remorse washed over Scully. Was she any less guilty? For years now she simply assumed that it was understood that she and Mulder loved one another. But she had never said the words. Not once. Whatever lies she told herself as to the reason weren't going to cut it anymore. Her voice cracked as she spoke. "I'm sure she wanted to..." Mulder made a disbelieving sound against her throat. She couldn't blame him. Of all the things his mother could have left him with on that damn tape, she didn't give him that. Her last words to her son weren't "I love you." They were cryptic excuses for all the things she hadn't told him. That in itself seemed the most cruel. The room was quiet for a time. But the next words out of Scully's mouth seemed to find their way easily enough through the stillness. "I love you." It was said as a simple reassurance as if it were the most natural thing in the world for her to say. But she felt the weight of it in his body as he took it in. Not moving. Scarcely breathing. He swallowed hard as her fingers continued there teasing at his neck. "You do?" So broken. So insecure. Her fingers stopped then. "Of course I do." The honesty of her words melted away some of the icy cold of his mother's final act. The warm pool left in its place rose up in him, spilling down his cheeks as he gripped her tighter, and she rocked with him again. "I love you, Mulder," she whispered gently as sobs trembled through him once more. "I love you..." she chanted over and over again. Through his tears of joy and pain, Mulder held desperately to the one person in his life who had just given him the only truth he ever really needed. The end