From: "Glass November" Date: Fri, 21 Dec 2001 04:05:26 +0000 Subject: X-File 999-48324 by Glass November Source: direct TITLE: X-File 999-48324 AUTHOR: Glass November RATING: PG or maybe PG-13 CLASSIFICATION: X-File/Mulder-Scully Romance/Humor/Angst...small Crossover w/ XYZ Files SPOILERS: Anasazi, Ascension, Leonard Betts, Sein Und Zeit KEYWORDS: Parody, Mulder/Scully, Mulder/Scully friendship, Mulder/Scully UST SUMMARY: Mulder and Scully investigate deaths caused by a web site. Along the way we find cockroaches, multiple personalities, and Krycek... DISCLAIMER: Disclaimer: noun, 1. a disclaiming; denial; or renunciation, as of a claim, title, etc. 2. a refusal to accept responsibility; disavowal. =============================================================== I'll be your friend if you review! glass_november@hotmail.com Post anywhere, just keep my name and addy attached. =============================================================== FIARBINKS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT Scully sighed as the speaker came on, announcing the delay of Flight 89 for yet another time. Airports were not on her list of favorite places to be, especially at one in the morning, but she was stuck there. In a hard, plastic chair. Waiting for Mulder. Like she had been for the past four hours. Her legs were starting to go numb, so she stood and decided to go look at gift shops. The closest one, she realized, was right next to her, although there was another one ten feet away. That was an X-file in itself. Why did airports need so many gift shops if they all sold the same things? Pondering this, Scully wandered off into Fragile&Fantastical Gifts, not noticing the shady-looking stranger following her discreetly. "Oooh, glitter!" Scully's eyes caught onto the display of glittery stuffed animals in the corner. Her eyes widened as she noticed the small, cockroach-shaped one. "Binky! That's the last one I need!" Pushing people out of her way, she lunged for the animal. After picking herself up off of the floor, she walked over to the cashier and pulled out her badge. "I'm an agent with the Federal Bureau of Investigation and I'm requisitioning this animal for official purposes," she said in a stern voice. The clerk gasped and nodded, and Scully turned on her heels and strode out of the store, cockroach in hand. The stranger who had been following her laughed malefically. I knew that would work, he thought. No one can resist the lure of Cuddly Creatures! Scully found a relatively deserted bench and sat down. After glancing around to make sure no one was watching, she held Binky up to her face. I finally got one, she thought. My collection is complete! ************************************************************************************************ FLIGHT 89 Meanwhile, Mulder sat in his too-small airplane seat, chewing sunflower seeds and thinking about case they had just been assigned. A computer program was malfunctioning, injuring its users. Only two of those attacked had survived, and he and Scully were supposed to be meeting them soon. Personally, Mulder thought it was an evil entity created by one of the computer's programmers, but he hadn't told Scully yet. A soft chime interrupted his musings. "We are now beginning our descent. Please make sure your seatbelts are fastened, your seats are in their upright position, and your tray tables are away," the flight attendant announced as the plane tipped forward. **************************************************************************************************** FIARBINKS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT Mulder strode out of the jetway, briefcase in hand. Glancing around, he saw his partner sitting with her back to him. Quietly he came up behind her and bent over. He said into her ear, "BOO!" She jumped and something flew from her hands. "That wasn't funny, Mulder!" she glared death rays at him before placing whatever she had behind her back. "What's that?" he gestured behind her. "Nothing," she answered, blushing. He grabbed her hands, and although she struggled, he had the advantage of size and was able to wrestle the soft, fuzzy animal from her hands. "A Cuddly Creature?" Mulder said disbelievingly. "I didn't know you liked these, Scully." "I don't! It's for, um, a niece," Scully blushed even more, and Mulder raised his eyebrows and returned it to her. She hastily placed it in her briefcase, and then stood. "Now that you're finally here, can we go?" "Uh-huh," Mulder said, amused at his partner's blush. Noticing this, Scully stepped on his foot, causing him to yelp with pain. The people standing around turned to look at him, and, muttering unintelligible things, he followed Scully to the car rental counter. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Thus ends Part 1... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ LILLIPUTIAN'S CAFÉ When the agents entered the small café where they had agreed to meet the victims, they immediately smelled coffee and remembered that they hadn't eaten breakfast. After ordering bagels and coffee, they looked around for the victims. Luckily Mulder had remembered to bring their picture, and they spotted them sitting in a corner booth. "Hello," Scully said as the partners approached the girls, who looked about fifteen and had dark, curly hair. She whispered to Mulder, "Your victims are kids?" "They''re not *my* victims!" he hissed at her. "And they sounded older on the phone!" The agents sat down in the booth. ""We''re agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully."" "Hey! I'm Crystal Proximo, " one of them said. "Hi, I'm Delta Ravel," the other one told them. Mulder pulled a small recorder out of his briefcase. "Why don't you start from the beginning?" he said. The girls exchanged looks. "Well, Crystal and I were working on a web page," Delta began. "The Frozen Fantasticals. We had heard about the SeraphFeu web designer program, and thought it would work great for our site. We went to their homepage and registered. When we went to create our page--" Delta was distraught and couldn't continue. "It gave us an error 667!" Crystal finished, trembling. "An error 667!" Mulder gasped. That was horrible! More horrible than decaying alien goo, even. Scully raised an eyebrow. "An error 667? What's so bad about that?"" She asked, not knowing the extent of the girl's terror. Delta and Crystal froze. "You----you don''t know?" they said as one. "Uh, no," Scully replied, expecting something terrible. "They couldn't access the web page!" Mulder said for them, trying to spare them more grief. Scully looked at the girls, who were staring at her like she was insane. "Ah. I see," Scully said, not seeing. "We-we kept trying it, but it wouldn't work! Finally we realized we needed help," Crystal explained. "Do you have any idea why you two survived and the others didn't?" Mulder asked gently. "Yes! Our Rooster saved us," Delta said gratefully. "Your rooster?" Scully was thinking about all the other cases where teens had been involved. "Our Rooster protects us from evil," Crystal told the female agent. "He is always there for us." Mulder nodded understandingly. "Thank you. We'll, uh, be in touch if we have any more questions," Scully said. Mulder gave the girls a business card, and the agents left. Once they were safely outside the building, Scully turned to Mulder. "Error 667? A rooster?" Mulder said seriously, "Can you believe it? This might be our chance to find evidence, real evidence, of the paranormal!" "How is an error 667 paranormal?" "Scully, don't you know about the Internet fairies?" "No, Mulder, I don't. Enlighten me." "Are you being sarcastic? The Internet fairies control the Internet. All errors are a result of their magic being misfired. No one has ever seen a real error 667, but we know they're out there, just waiting." "What does this have to with our case?" "Scull-eeee! If we can find the perpetrator of errors 667, we will know the identity of the Chief Internet Fairy!" Mulder was annoyed Scully didn't know this. Scully was annoyed that she had waited for four hours in the airport for *this.* "Mulder, isn't it more likely that errors 667 are a result of bad links?" "Scully, are you *determined* not to believe?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ That wasn't so bad, was it? Don't answer that. On to part 3! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ SERAPHFEU WEB, INC After several wrong turns, the agents arrived at Seraphfeu Web, Inc, a plain looking building except for the large angel-breathing-fire logo decorating the front door. Mulder looked joyful, probably at the thought of *meeting* the Internet Fairy, Scully thought. The air inside was cool. At the reception desk sat a perky looking blond dressed in black. She didn't look up from her copy of Interview With A Vampire when Scully said, "We're with the Federal Bureau of Investigation. We need to speak with..." Realizing she didn't *know* who they needed to speak with, she turned to Mulder. "Michael Ascian," he supplied. "Michael Ascian," Scully told the receptionist, who still hadn't looked up from her book. "Down the hall and to the left," the blond said. Scully and Mulder followed her directions and ended up in front of a nondescript door, although the explosion noises from within were a little abnormal. Raising her signature eyebrow, Scully knocked tentatively on the door. "Come in!" someone yelled inside. Opening the door, the agents saw a tall, middle aged man sitting behind a desk, playing what looked like a computer game. He looked up at them. "Can I help you?" "We're with the Federal Bureau of Investigation...we have a few questions," Mulder said sternly. "Of course," Ascian answered. "Are you aware of the lawsuits pending against your company?" Scully asked. "Duh!" Ascian told her. "In your opinion, how could your...product have caused these deaths?" Mulder asked. "It didn't! The victims' computers must have malfunctioned," explained Ascian. "Now, if you're done here, I have work to do!" The agents found themselves back in the hallway, explosions coming from Ascian's office again. "Mulder..." Scully started as they drove away from the office. Why did she let him drag her here? "Scully, I'm hungry. What's for dinner?" "What do I look like, your mother?" "No-" The famous ScullyGlare stopped his joke about her appearance. "How about.....the hotel restaurant?!?" Scully said with a fake grin. "Okay!" Mulder answered, oblivious to her sarcasm. ************************************************************************************************** FIARBINKS QUEEN HOTEL "Wine, ma'am?" the waiter asked, offering Scully a tray. She smiled and chose a glass. "Sir?" the waiter asked Mulder. "No thanks," he answered, concentrating on his linguini as the waiter moved off. "So Scully, what's new?" "Not much. Mulder, do you *really* believe in Internet Fairies?" Scully asked. "Let's not go into that...it'll ruin my meal," Mulder answered. "Yeah. So, seen any good movies lately?" Scully tried to make conversation. "Actually, yes. This girl-" "Never mind!" Scully interrupted him. "How are Harry and Cho?" Fish were generally a safe topic. "They died," Mulder said sadly. "You just got them last week!" "I kinda forgot to feed them..." "For the whole week?" "No, just the first day. Then I spilled my cereal into the tank, and...it's a long story." "We have time," Scully smiled. *********************************************************************************************** FIARBINKS QUEEN HOTEL TWO HOURS LATER "...and then I had to flush them," Mulder finished his long story. Scully giggled. And giggled some more. "That's hilarious, Mulder!" Mulder looked at her strangely. Scully wasn't usually a giggler. A chuckler maybe, but not a giggler. She noticed him looking at her. "What, Mulder?" "Wine, ma'am?" the waiter asked, offering Scully a tray for what Mulder realized was the third or fourth time. "No thanks, we're about to leave," he answered for Scully. "Ready, Scully?" She nodded and stood on slightly unsteady legs. After paying the bill, Mulder helped her up the stairs to their rooms. "Mulder?" Scully asked. "Yeah?" he said, opening the door to his room. Scully pulled him into a long kiss. This led to the precipice, which led to the edge. A steep edge. An edge as long as Niagara Falls. An edge that was closer than either of them had thought. An edge that would change their relationship forever. An edge that would alter the future. An edge...to end all edges... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ People need a *new*, er, descriptive word! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ FIARBINKS QUEEN HOTEL THE NEXT MORNING Scully awoke to the sound of running water. Sitting up, she realized Mulder was in the shower. A few minutes later, he came out, ready for the day. "Morning, Scully! The police called...there's been another attack," he told her. "Just let me take a shower," Scully replied. "Actually, I'm going to go to the crime scene now. When you're done, you can talk to the victim, a Ruthie Sim. Bye!" With that, Mulder left. Scully sighed, wondering why she let him boss her around like that. ************************************************************************************************ FIARBINKS MEMORIAL HOSPITAL Scully was in a small, white room where she had been waiting for twenty minutes. She turned the page in her magazine. Oh, joy! Another article on *the* hairstyle of the season, she thought. It was interesting-magazines came out with a new *style* every month, and they always varied dramatically in length. How were you supposed to grow your hair that quickly? "Agent Scully?" A matronly looking lady had entered the room. "Yes. Are you Ruthie's nurse?" Scully asked. "Nurse Florence, that's me. But are you sure this is a good idea? This was a traumatic experience for Ruthie, and I don't want to further the damage," Nurse Florence said concernedly. "It's extremely important that we talk to Ruthie," Scully smiled tiredly. Nurse Florence sighed. "I hope you know what you're doing." She looked over her shoulder and called, "Come along, Ruthie. No one's going to hurt you." A girl of about sixteen entered the room, carrying a large rag doll and looking around suspiciously. "Ruthie?" Scully said to Ruthie, who didn't seem to hear her. "It's quite hopeless. What she needs is rest and more rest. She's little more than a zombie," Nurse Florence told Scully, who glared at her. "I *am* a doctor, Ms. Florence. And besides, zombies don't exist," Scully snapped. The women gave each other the evil eye. "Well," Ruthie began. Both women turned to her, evil looks forgotten. "I was at the Seraphfeu site, working on my web page. Whenever I don't have anything to do I go to the Seraphfeu site. Even when I don't want to work on my page I go to Seraphfeu. Well, on this day, this one special day, I signed in, and all of a sudden the computer started to shake and an error message appeared on the screen. Then everything went black and it was like the computer exploded. There I was, staring at my desk. Only the computer was gone. It-it was traumatic." Ruthie said this mournfully. "What do you think happened?" Scully asked gently. "It exploded, I guess," Ruthie answered nonchalantly. "Yet you survived...why do you think that is?" Scully probed. "Win some, lose some," Ruthie shrugged. Nurse Florence broke in nervously. "I'm afraid she's getting overexcited." All of a sudden, Ruthie crouched over and glared viciously. "Don't come any closer! If you do I'll explode you like I did my computer. Serves it right. It always ate my reports." "Multi-personality," Nurse Florence explained to Scully, who ignored her. "Can you think of anything else that might help me, Ruthie?" Scully asked. "I'm not Ruthie! I hate Ruthie!" Ruthie snarled. "I knew this was a bad idea," Nurse Florence muttered. "Come along, Ruthie. Don't excite yourself." She placed her arm on Ruthie's shoulder comfortingly. "Don't call me Ruthie. I'm Vanessa!" "There, there." Scully sighed as the odd pair left. She'd thought Ruthie would have been more help. Maybe Mulder was having more luck, she hoped. Pulling out her cell phone, she called him. "Mulder." "Mulder, its me. Your *patient* wasn't much help." He sighed audibly. "Yeah, and neither was her computer. It melted." "Do Internet fairies do that?" "I don't know. I've heard of it, but its possible." "Mulder..." Scully decided it would be better to leave her opinion unvoiced. "I'll meet you at the crime scene." With that, she hung up. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Devil Duckies: The Key to World Takeover! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ SIM RESIDENCE Scully arrived at the small, white house as several police cars pulled away. Mulder was standing on the front porch, evidently watching for her, because as soon as she stepped out of the car, he ran over to her. "Did you learn anything?" he asked. "No. Mulder, why do *I* always get stuck questioning people when *you* get to go do fun stuff?" "Um. Because..." he was interrupted by a loud crash from behind the house. Thanking his lucky stars for the diversion, he pulled out his gun and ran stealthily towards the noise. Sighing, Scully started to follow him, until she felt something move in her pocket. She gingerly pulled Binky out, and stared at the twitching stuffed cockroach. All of a sudden, the bug's eyes began to glow. Once he realized that the noise was just the wind, Mulder stopped and placed his gun back into its holster. Hopefully Scully had forgotten her question by now, because he didn't have a good answer. "Scully?" He realized his partner wasn't behind him. Retracing his steps, he gasped. Scully was slumped against the side of the house, and the cockroach was climbing up her arm. "I *knew* they were aliens!" Mulder thought as he tried to find a stick or something to kill the bug. After no success, he gently kicked the bug off his partner and called 9-1-1. ************************************************************************************************ FIARBINKS MEMORIAL HOSPITAL Mulder sat in yet another waiting room chair in yet another hospital, feeling guilty. If only I had realized that the cockroach wasn't normal, he thought. I should have noticed. It was all his fault that his partner had been attacked by a Cuddly Creature that had come to life. He should have protected her. What-what if she didn't survive? It would be all his fault, just like everything else. Everything was his fault, Mulder realized. From the extinction of the dinosaurs on....He sat there, wallowing in angst- filled despair until the nurse called his name. "Mr. Mulder? You can see your partner now." Gasping with relief, Mulder followed the nurse into Scully's room. He found his partner sitting in the bed, looking annoyed. "Scully?" Mulder said quietly. "What, Mulder?" Scully answered. "I am so sorry-I should have realized that the cockroach was evil!" "Mulder! Why do you blame yourself for *everything*?!?" Scully said, exasperated. Biting his lip, Mulder shrugged. "I think it started in my childhood, with Sam's abduction. Since then, I've caused the deaths of my parents, and I caused you to get abducted and get cancer. I'm also responsible for the deaths of my fish. Oh, and I look really cute when I'm all depressed." "Oh. Well, as long as there's a reason," Scully answered. "Anyway, I can go now. Evidently the cockroach didn't harm me permanently." "Good, 'cause I got a new clue," Mulder grinned. *********************************************************************************************** LOCATION UNKNOWN The older man in the shadows light a cigarette. "Your foolproof plan didn't work," he said to someone lurking in the shadows behind him. "I *know* that," said a familiar and exasperated voice. Alex Krycek stepped out of the murky darkness. "It would have if Mulder hadn't gotten in the way." The smoking man blew a ring of smoke. "Well, win some, lose some, I guess." Krycek nodded. "There's always next time." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Moving on to...whatever part this is... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ SERAPHFEU WEB, INC It was dark. It was chilly. There wasn't a backup force in sight. Scully watched silently as Mulder used his lock pick on the front door of Seraphfeu Web, Inc. "Mulder...why won't you tell me what your *clue* is?" she asked quietly. "Because you wouldn't believe me," Mulder whispered back. He had a point there, Scully agreed. The lock opened, and Mulder pulled open the door. "Coming?" Sighing, Scully followed him inside. It was even darker inside than outside, so the agents pulled out their flashlights. "At least tell me what we're looking for!" Scully hissed to Mulder. "The truth, Scully. The truth!" he grinned. "You take this hall, I'll take the next." They had reached a small intersection. Down the hallway Mulder had chosen was Mike's office, Scully realized. Looking suspicious, although Mulder couldn't see this in the dark, she answered, "Fine," and headed off. Mulder watched her go. Once he couldn't see her anymore, he turned down the other hallway, stopping at Mike's door. The explosions they had heard the last time they were there were gone, replaced by an unnerving silence. Mulder turned the doorknob slowly, peering inside. He was shocked by what he saw. Michael Ascian was seated behind his desk, dressed in a fluffy pink tutu. He was wearing large, round glasses, as well as a tie. Mulder gasped. The Chief Internet Fairy! He watched as Ascian typed commands into the computer. Mulder was so entranced by this living proof of errors 667 that he forgot he was leaning against the door. It swung open, and Ascian looked up. "YOU!" Mulder froze as Ascian pulled out a sparkly wand. "How dare you intrude upon the Chief Internet Fairy's lair!" Ascian boomed. Pointing the wand at Mulder, he said, "Calvatia reassail!" Mulder watched as light poured out of the end of the wand. Once he realized it was aimed at him, he tried to move, but it was too late. "Goodbye, cruel world..." he whispered as he sank to the floor. ************************************************************************************************ FIARBINKS MEMORIAL HOSPITAL Mulder lay in his hospital bed, not moving. Scully had been watching him for hours, and he hadn't moved at all. She thought back to when she had found him lying on the floor, unconscious for no apparent reason. What had happened? She gazed at Mulder, willing him to awaken. He didn't even twitch. Sighing for yet another time, Scully closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep. BEEEEEEEP! Scully awoke with a start to the sound of Mulder's heart monitor sounding a warning. A crowd of hospital personnel flooded into the room, pushing her aside. "I'm a doctor!" Scully shouted to no avail. Hurt that no one seemed to care, she watched numbly as the doctors tried desperately to save her partner's life. Finally, they all stepped back. Scully glanced at Mulder's heart monitor, which was still registering no pulse. "You can't just give up!" she yelled. "He *never* dies!" Her eyes widened as she watched a doctor pull a sheet over Mulder's face. A nurse came over to her. "Come along, dear," the nurse said gently, leading her out of the room. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Do not despair, gentle reader, for in the words of a wise woman, Mulder never dies! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1013 CARTER AVE. "You can't *kill* him!" Crystal shrieked, looking over her friend's shoulder at the computer screen. "But...but it's a character death," Delta stammered, a little scared of her friend's reaction. "NO! It was bad enough that you had to make the cockroach attack Scully, but you can't kill Mulder!" Crystal screamed. "You just can't!" "Can too!" Delta retorted. "Can not!" "Can too!" "Can not!" SLAM! Both girls looked up when the front door slammed open. Scully stood in the doorway, dripping wet and glaring. Slowly she stalked towards the girls, who backed away quickly. "What. Did. You. Do?" Scully said menacingly. "Nothing! We're innocent!" Delta exclaimed. "Really!" Crystal backed her friend up. Scully raised one eyebrow. "I mean, um, how did you know?" Delta winced. Now they were gonna get it... "Mulder never dies. It's a rule," Scully explained. "Told ya!" Crystal stuck her tongue out at Delta, who rolled her eyes. Noticing Scully's Look, Crystal fell silent. "Undo it," Scully demanded. "No! We shall never surrender-we worked hard on it," the girls chorused. Scully smiled, which was rather frightening, considering the fact that she also looked insane. "Doesn't she look like that lady in Gaslight?" Delta whispered to Crystal, who nodded. "If you don't destroy it, I will have your fanfiction.net accounts rendered useless!" Scully threatened. "No!" the girls gasped. "Yes!" Scully answered. Exchanging a glance, the girls nodded. Seeing this, Scully nodded. "You did the right thing." Sighing, Delta stepped over to the computer. Slowly, painfully, she clicked delete. ************************************************************************************************ FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION "Hi, I'm Dana Scully, and I've been assigned to work with you..." And we all know what happens next. ************************************************************************************************ A/N: Originally this was an attempt to put all the "themes" of X-Files fanfic into one story, but it didn't work that well. Let me know if you can understand it at all...most of its inside jokes and insanity. This is based on a true story. Several, actually. It was traumatic. I was traumatized. Rose Tangle was traumatized. Which is why we guest star in this. Its part of our therapy. Wanna know who's who? Get out your crossword dictionaries. Don't care? That's okay, too. Anyway, please give me feedback, even if its just to say that I'm insane and should be put away for my own protection. Seriously, though, please! I'll give ya a virtual chocolate-chip cookie! glass_november@hotmail.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "People like you are the reason people like me need medication"