From: Serafina Frongia Date: Mon, 8 Jan 2001 12:00:32 -0800 (PST) Subject: "the x-world" Source: direct Title: The X-World Author: Shadow Rating: PG Classification: Story/Humor Summary: Seven people are picked to live in a furnished silo to see what happens when people stop being nice, and start getting paranoid. ****** Scully: You know, I really hated that Detective White chick. Mulder: Hey, you're the one who was lusting over Barney Fife! Scully: And Bambi...what the hell were you thinking? She liked *cockroaches* for chrissake! Mulder: At least I don't date people whose tattoos tell them to kill me! Scully: Oh yeah! Mulder: Yeah! ****** Skinner: Would you stop crying, you big baby?! Krycek: I can't help it! I *hate* silos! Skinner (mumbling): Wuss. (Krycek runs away, sobbing). ****** (CSM walks in and changes the channel). Diana Fowley: Hey! I was watching that! CSM: Too bad. Diana: Just because you don't like me for betraying you after I betrayed Mulder after... (She trails off, confused). CSM (shaking his head): What the hell was I smoking when I hired her? ****** Marita, in the confessional booth: "It's not that I hate Skinner or anything...He is just way too uptight. And he thinks he's the boss of everyone! At least CSM just sits and smokes quietly, occasionally making cryptic remarks. But Skinner made Krycek cry five times yesterday. Five times! He is *so* rude and *so* picky. If someone mixes whites with darks in the laundry, he totally goes off! I seriously can't stand to be in the same room with him." ****** Scully (exasperated): Would you please put out that cigarette? CSM: I make the laws of this country, not your petty insignificant politicians. And I choose to smoke here, now. Scully: I don't want to risk my health for your filthy habit! CSM: You're just mad because you haven't gotten any in ten years! ****** Mulder: Hey Krycek, come here. Krycek: Mm? (Mulder punches him in the stomach, and then commences laughing hysterically). Mulder: Hahahahahahahahahaha!!! Krycek (wheezing): What the did you do that for?!? Mulder: Hahahahahahaha!!! (Krycek tackles him and they fall to the floor, rolling around and punching each other. Mulder starts screaming). Mulder: My nose! My precious nose! You broke it! (Krycek gets up and walks away, humming "We Will Rock You"). ****** Marita: I know you have feelings for Mulder too, and I don't want to make this a competition. Diana: It's okay. It wouldn't be much of a competition anyway; Fox and I go way back. Marita: That's true. You are, what, 30 years older than him? Diana: Try something like five years. By the way, I love your hair Marita! What color is that, "Frigid Bitch Blonde"? Marita: Honey, this is all natural, which can't be said about certain portions of *your* anatomy... (Scully walks in). Diana: Scully, who do you think deserves Mulder more: me, when I have been his friend and ally for years or *this* bimbo? Scully (thinking): Well, when faced with a choice like that, I would have to say that I think Krycek is definitely the one for Mulder. (She exits). Marita and Diana: Bitch. ****** Skinner, in confessional booth: "I don't know. I just don't feel as if I'm connecting with anyone here. None of them feel me, you know? It's like none of them are on my wavelength or nuttin...I've tried to bond, you know? Like I was trying to teach Mulder some boxing moves, and he starts bawling the second I tap him one on the nose!" ****** CSM: You guys...someone has to do the dishes. I don't want to live in a pigsty. And who took my ashtray? Krycek: What are you whining about now? CSM (whining): I'm *not* whining! (Krycek opens the refrigerator and takes a swig of milk). CSM: Eww! Gross! (Marita wanders in). Marita: Couldn't you at least use a glass, Krycek? Krycek: No. I look especially sexy with a milk mustache. CSM: Krycek, the only way *you'd* look sexy is if you took a swig of cyanide instead of milk. Krycek: So I'd look good to you if I were dead...Necro! Necro! CSM is a necrophiliac! (Krycek runs off, chanting. Marita turns to CSM). Marita: No way! You too? ****** And on that note, we will end this more-than-a-little-bit-disturbing tale. From now on, I promise not to watch MTV and write fanfic again. Not only is it dangerous, it's against the law.