From: cutter241@aol.com (Cutter241) Date: 2000/04/03 Subject: NEW: I Begin Where You End 1/2 ITLE: You Begin Where I End AUTHOR: Cutter241 RATING: PG13, Language CLASSIFICATION: Mulder Angst SPOILERS: Set after Storyteller, Scully is still dead DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere, just let me know SUMMARY: Mulder learns the truth behind the saying "If you love something set it free." FEEDBACK: Please, oh please, send to Cutter241@aol.com Authors' notes and thanks following story at the end. You Begin Where I End 1/2 "Where there is love there is pain" Spanish Proverb Assistant Director Walter Skinner stood looking out of his office window at the plaza below. From across the way he observed as the lone figure of Agent Mulder crossed the street against the light and was nearly plowed over by a speeding taxicab. From this high up and insulated by the bulletproof glass he couldn't hear the cab's screeching brakes, but he could see the driver lean out the window and shout some imprecation at Mulder. And he could see Mulder's angry gesture in return. Skinner put his hands on his hips and shook his head. Since Scully's death Mulder had really turned into a loose cannon. Just two days ago Skinner had gotten the latest word on Mulder's most recent dust up. Mulder and Agent Lydia McClaine had gotten into an argument in the cafeteria over a bowl of Jell-O. If that had been it Skinner probably would have let this latest incident go. But no, the story got worse. Agent Lydia McClaine, who at 62 years of age, who looked like everyone's grandmother (which is exactly what she was, having 4 kids and 15 grandchildren of her own), who had never had a cross word with anyone in nearly 40 years of service to the bureau, and whose chocolate chip cookies were declared to be the best he'd ever had by Former FBI Director William Sessions himself; Agent Lydia McClaine nearly shot Agent Fox Mulder. In front of 37 slack jawed witnesses, 2 petrified cafeteria ladies and 1happy-go-lucky seeing eye dog, Agent Lydia McClaine who had only discharged her weapon once in the line of duty placed one hand on her gun and told Mulder that "if you don't take the Goddamned Jell-O and shut the hell up I am personally going to make your day." Skinner really winced over that one. Turning away from his window and going over to his desk Skinner hit the intercom and spoke to his secretary. "Kim, I just saw Agent Mulder enter the building. Get his ass up here on the double." "Yes sir." She replied and touched the buttons on her phone that would send out the call for Mulder. Presently a very subdued Mulder walked into Skinner's waiting room. Kim looked up from her work "Go on in Agent Mulder, he's expecting you." She had always harbored kind feelings towards this agent who always seemed to be dancing to a different drummer. Since the death of his partner Mulder seemed to be hell bent on self-destruction and Kim hoped that A.D. Skinner would be able to find a way to help Mulder before it was too late. Mulder slouched into Skinner's office. "You wanted to see me?" Skinner was back at his window again, hands on his hips. Without turning around he replied, "Put a SIR on that, Agent Mulder." Mulder snapped together in a parody of military attention, stood ramrod straight, hands clenched down by his side and said, "You wanted to see me, SIR?" Ignoring Mulder's attitude Skinner replied, "Take a seat Agent Mulder." Mulder shuffled around a few moments before finally pulling a chair close to Skinner's desk and sitting down. Skinner walked around to the front of his desk and sat on the corner closest to Mulder. Several long minutes passed as Skinner and Mulder quietly regarded one another. Mulder looked worn out. Obviously he wasn't eating. Hazel eyes stared out of a face that was pale and haggard. Deep circles of purple under each eye only emphasized the starkness of Mulder's skin. The bones in his hands stood out in bas-relief and even Mulder's hair seemed tired. Finally Skinner gently spoke, "Agent Mulder is there anything I can do for you?" Mulder studied the floor as he considered Skinner's question. In a silent I-don't-know answer he shrugged his shoulders, rolled his eyes and then tilted his head a little bit to the right. It was a pitiful gesture but it gave Skinner the opening he was looking for. Skinner went to his file cabinet and dug around for a few moments before returning with an envelope in his hand. "After Agent Scully's," Skinner hesitated then his voice softened as he continued. "After Agent Scully's death we found this letter in her desk here at work. It was tucked inside an envelope addressed to me. In it she wrote of her worries and asked that should anything happen to her I was to give this to you. She said I'd know when the time was right." Skinner handed the envelope to Mulder. Numbly Mulder stared at the missive in his hands. He would have moved heaven and earth to give life back to its author. Finally he looked back up at Agent Skinner. "Take the rest of the day off Agent Mulder, that's an order." Skinner watched as Mulder shakily stood up and in trying to leave headed the wrong way towards the closet door. Placing a compassionate hand on Mulder's arm, Skinner gently steered him towards the exit. "Agent Mulder." Skinner's voice stopped Mulder in the doorway. "I know Agent Scully meant a great deal to you." Thoughtfully Mulder paused and then nodded his head in understanding as he exited the room. Long after Mulder had gone, Skinner stood looking out of his office window and doing something he'd never done while Agent Scully was alive. Assistant Director Walter Skinner prayed. END PART 1 You Begin Where I End 2/2 "Where there is love there is pain" Spanish Proverb Aimlessly Mulder drove around for hours. He wove in and around the national monuments. Down Independence Ave, over and then through historic Georgetown before circling around the zoo and making the trip again. Everywhere he looked he saw the same thing; couples. Couples holding hands, couples kissing, couples pushing strollers and in one instance he saw a couple heatedly arguing in front of an Italian Restaurant. The male partner finally must have had enough because as the light turned green and Mulder pulled away he saw the man get down on one knee and pull a black box out of his pocket and present it to the woman. That had been the last straw for Mulder. He had taken a right at the next light and headed straight for Scully's old apartment. After Scully's disappearance, he had continued paying the rent and utilities on her place hoping and praying that she would come back. After Scully had been found and her body placed to rest, he had kept the apartment going. His last link to her. It was only a few months ago that Maggie Scully had come and taken most of her daughter's things away. She had offered Mulder anything of Scully's that he wanted and was surprised when he had turned down all but her bedroom pillow, it had smelled faintly of Scully and Mulder still slept with it on his couch. He also took a ratty old stuffed dog and a small black and white photo of Scully taken about 3 years ago at a family picnic. The rest of Scully's things Maggie had given to charity, keeping only a few familiar tokens for herself. A sweater she'd given to Dana one Christmas, a book of poetry by Emily Dickinson and Dana's old FBI sweatshirt. The depths of her grief after all this time were still a surprise to Maggie Scully. She placed the key for Dana's place into Mulder's hand before bursting into fresh tears and leaving the apartment for the last time. Mulder let himself into Scully's place. Other than an easy chair, end table and lamp that Mulder brought from home, her apartment was bare. He really thought he had been living, searching, solving problems and then he met Scully. 5'3" of fire and she showed Mulder the true meaning of friendship, laughter, faith and love. Every day and every night since Scully had gone missing, and then been found dead Mulder had played the "what if" game. It had eaten him up until there was nothing left. He could put on a game face, go to work, even smile some. It was hopeless. Life without Scully was a cold black void. Mulder checked his weapon. He had a full clip, but one bullet was all he needed. He placed it on the table by the easy chair and sat down. For some time now Mulder had known that sooner or later he would be seeking this course of action. Life without Scully was a misnomer, like the term Military Intelligence. It just did not work. He had a will, but it just stated the basics. Please bury him next to Scully. His few material possessions were to be sent wherever. Mulder just didn't care anymore. Mulder pulled Scully's letter from his shirt pocket. He turned it over and over in his hands, pausing occasionally to run trembling fingers over the front where Scully had neatly scripted his name. With badly shaking hands Mulder opened the letter and began to read. Dear Mulder, You know I've never been one to put much stock into feelings. But, here lately I've had the indefinable fear that time is short and I worry about what would happen to you if I were gone. Since the beginning I've known that we were meant to be together; co-workers, friends, lovers and perhaps something else further on down the road. Being with you is a continuation of myself. A circle with no end and turning around to see you behind me is merely confirming in my mind what has always been and will always be; you and I together. Time may pass and though you count each pulse of your heart as one more second we are apart, instead allow each beat to remind you I am never far away. If the dead can come back to earth and flit unseen around those they loved; I shall always be near you, in the gladdest of days and the darkest of nights. Always, always, always my love for you is deathless. It binds me to you with mighty cables of steel and yet is softer than a velvet cord. If you are reading this, then I am no longer here on earth. But you are not alone, the breeze you feel upon your cheek is my breath and when the cool air of a spring morning touches your skin it is my spirit passing by. The sun is my love shining down on you and the full moon is my heart, pure and true. I remain yours always and forever, Scully Tears flowing freely down his face, Mulder sat there motionless. The import of Scully's words sinking in "Oh Scully." He brokenly sobbed, then addressed himself to the heavens. "I miss you, how am I supposed to go on?" Mulder felt a soft hand on his shoulder. He whipped around but there was no one in the room. Again he felt a light touch. "Scully", he whispered. "Is that you?" In reply, Mulder felt Scully's essence swirl around him. He closed his eyes and tipped his head back, basking in her radiant love for him. "I can't go on." Soft as the morning light came her response. "Mulder, I will be waiting. If you love me, then live for me." "Scully," That single word contained a lifetime of things not spoken, but always understood. "Mulder, love knows love." And with that last sighing blur of words Scully was gone. Unleashing a torrent of emotion Mulder's deeply wounded heart broke. Wracking sobs convulsed his body as he wrapped his arms around his legs and curled up into a ball. At long last he allowed himself to feel all the things he had denied after Scully's lifeless body was discovered. Long after his grief and anger were spent, Mulder sat lost in thought. Chin in his hand he watched as night fell over the city. Emotionally exhausted, he stood up and moved around Scully's apartment. He wandered from room to room as scenes from a not too distant past played in his head. Finally he went to leave, pausing at the doorway to give one last look around. Faintly he whispered "Goodbye" before shutting the door behind himself. A week later Mulder had the power disconnected. Two weeks after that he let the lease expire. END Author's Notes: Deepest thanks to the Beta Readers Circle and my personal Beta Readers Georgia and Jen, both of whom REALLY hate character deaths but were willing to suffer through on my behalf. Thank you for pushing my writing beyond the boundaries. I got the idea for this story from the fragment of a letter that was written by Major Sullivan Ballou to his wife Sarah, just before the Civil War Battle of Mannassas July 14, 1861. It's an amazing letter. You can find a copy of it in a book titled "The Civil War" by Geoffry C. Ward, Ric Burns and Ken Burns, pg 82&83.