From: Matt and Kelly Knight Date: Sat, 13 Mar 1999 20:32:02 -0500 Subject: You Blinked ("One Son" post ep) You Blinked by Nynaeve e-mail: mtknigh@ibm.net Rating: R (language) Category: V Spoilers: Two Fathers, One Son primarily Keywords: Scully angst Summary: Scully reflects on Mulder's actions and her responses during the recent events with the Syndicate Date Complete: 2/21/99 Disclaimer: Yes, I know, they belong to Chris Carter, 1013, and a bunch of other legal entities. I am returning them, for the time being anyway. No Mulders or Scullys were harmed in the writing of this story. Dedication: As always, to Alyssa and Lilac who read all of these stories and give me good reviews. Athor's Note: If you've read my other stuff, this is decidedly different. No shippy moments here at all. I was too angry at Mulder for the way he treated Scully during "One Son". I'm better now. But be warned, if you're looking for sweetness, light, and shippy resolutions, turn back now. Mulder and I have been reassigned. To the X Files. Courtesy of Agent Spender. It about killed A.D. Kersch to give in, but he had to, what with all Agent Spender had to say. If the man had clenched his jaw any tighter, he could have created diamonds between his teeth. He looked like he wanted to kill Mulder, not an unusual aspect for Kersch, actually. He even demanded to know why Mulder had not provided "these answers" before now. Lord. And all I could think as I sat there was, "Do I want this?" Goddamn Mulder. For months, nearly a year, I'd waited, hoped, even, God help me, prayed to hear those words. I'd stuck out the background checks, the fertilizer investigations, being sent off on an assignment that nearly killed me. If they tasted like ash on Kersch's tongue, they burned like fire on my ears. Burned as surely as the men of the Syndicate burned in the onslaught of the faceless rebels. Goddamn Fox Mulder. Goddamn him to hell. I follow him for six years, stake my reputation on him, lie for him, nearly die for him and his neverending quest. I bail him out; I cover for him so often I quit counting. I *trust* him. I *believe* him. I *accept*, I *allow* him to trust me. He knows me better than my own family, for God's sake. I know I have exasperated him with my unwillingness, my downright refusal at times, to believe as wholeheartedly as he does, to believe at all. But he told me how I have saved him with my strict rationalism, my science. And just when it all comes together, when the facts I see, experience begin to be explainable in terms of science - oh yes, no science I've previously known, but surely science just the same - now that I am asking the right questions, he fucks me. Hard. No, not literally. Mentally. He fucks with my head, his words, his actions like brutal, thoughtless open handed, full force slaps across my face. Slap. His voice, cold, sarcastic, as stinging and humiliating as the all too recent decontamination shower. "No. Actually you hide your feelings very well." I want to ask him. I'd like to scream at him. One of us has to remain calm, rational, not say things we'll regret. Does he think I'm jealous of Diana Fowley? I guess I *was*, until I heard those words come out of his mouth. No, I'm not jealous of her (not anymore), I just don't trust her anymore than I trust that Smoking Son of a Bitch. Slap. His words. "I don't have time for this." His body language, crossing his arms. His sighing and gasping and sarcasm. He refused to listen when I tried to tell him about her. He still thinks I'm jealous. Like I'm some sixteen year old school girl mad her sometime, maybe boyfriend has the hots for someone else. Right then, right now, nothing is further form my mind. I could care less whom Mulder has the hots for, or doesn't. I'm trying to save the world here and I'm damn certain she isn't. He won't even listen. Seven years in Europe and nothing in her files. Anyone else and Mulder would be in full paranoia mode, certain the individual involved was a key member in the Syndicate. Almost weekly trips to Tunisia and he didn't even care. Tunisia has come up before; we know there's something there, just not what. Now it seems Diana must be involved in whatever that something is there and Mulder refuses to look at it, to see her for what she's become. Mufon. Diana has been gathering data about women who were abducted. Women like me. Hell, she may have data on me. She may know, may be involved in what was done to me and Mulder wouldn't even do me the courtesy of listening. Before, even when he knew I was about to disagree with him, he showed me the respect of listening to me. He shut me out, Goddamn him, just when it mattered the most, he fucking closed the door. Slammed it, actually. He told me, taught me, to Trust No One, but he believes her unquestioningly. I want to yell in his face. I wonder about the tense of that verb, for a brief second. And, although I honestly thought I was beyond a brief spark of jealousy kindles within me. Brief. I'm too angry with Mulder to feed the flame long. Then he things it's personal, because of her. He still thinks it's all about him. I considered getting another tatoo. Has he forgotten, can he dismiss what they did to me? Abducted, experiented on, my ova taken, emily created, given, and ripped away from me, cancer, barrenness, some unkown virus. God, Mulder, how can it be other than personal? Slap. "We're coming to get you. You're coming with us." Like someone's little sister. An afterthought. "I'm with Diana." I didn't need him to come get me; I didn't want him to. I had information he didn't. I had clarity he couldn't. Distance. From everything. I told him I was gong to where Cassandra was with or without him. A challenge. Who do you trust more, Mulder? Why do you trust her at all? How did they know where Spender hid Cassandra? Tell me that, Mulder. How? He didn't tell anyone, not you, not me. But he took Diana with him, Mulder. And now you're with her. She betrayed him, as surely as she'll betray you the first time it suits her. The worst thing is Mulder, you didn't even want to see it. You kept saying she's never betrayed you. Yet, she was going to let you go, let you join them, Mulder. Do you see that? Betrayal, Mulder, Betrayal. She was going to let you, *help* you, be *with* you when you sacrificed yourself. Not just your body, but your soul, every principle you've help onto in your adult life, all the things you've nearly died for, things you've killed for, and she was helping you sacrifice that. You were on your way to sell your soul to the Devil and she was going to help you close the deal. And yet you say she never betrayed you. Here's a news flash Mulder. It wouldn't have mattered if you'd come for me. I would not have gone with you. And it's not jealousy, *Fox*, not because you were with her. No, I, who have followed you everywhere, followed you despite every time you ditched me, followed you despite what it's done to me and my family, I was done Mulder. I would not have followed this time, Fox. I could not have watched you become the very thing you've fought against for so long. I would rather have died along with everyone else, than seen that. If you had become them, I would have wished back every moment since you rescued me in Antarctica, every moment since I woke up in the hospital after I was returned. You were going to the one place I never would have followed you. Yet, she was leading you there. I'm so glad she never fucking betrayed you. So, Kersch gave us back the X Files. Gave us back our lives. A week ago it was all I wanted. Spender, gone, exposed for the weasel he is . Diana elsewhere, who cared where, just out of our lives. The Cigarette Smoking Man, or should I say, CBG, out of the picture. Back to the basement. back to being 'Mrs. Spooky'. A week ago Mulder, it was all I wanted. A week ago, I loved you. Yes, I really did. With all my heart. with all my soul. For everything you were and all that you weren't. I knew your flaws and loved you all the more for them. I accepted them. They made you who you are, made you the man I could give my heart to. I knew they came from experiences I could never quite understand, just as you can never truly understand mine, though they are two sides of the same coin. Now, spender has seen his father for what he is and has rejected all he saw, has accepted us, accepted *you*, Mulder. He even had the guts to admit where he screwed up. Diana is nowhere to be seen. Explain that again, Mulder? I'm sure you have a good explanation. So do I. She's a fucking traitor. Oh, wait, she couldn't be because you know her too well. CBG seems to have disappeared, too. Another startling coincidence? I think not, and you're just not thinking. I should be jumping for joy. I'm getting everything I wanted. Only, not everything. One thing is missing. I haven't got you. I found out there are things I don't know about you, could not even have guessed at. I still love you, Mulder. I've been doing it too long to stop so easily. Isn't that a song? And someday, I'll even tell you, show you my feelings. But, Mulder, *Fox*, the you that's here with me now, it's not the same you I loved a week ago. *You* blinked, Mulder. In the most important moment we've had with them, *you blinked*. The end. Feedback - greatly appreciated. mtknigh@ibm.net