From: SciNut Date: 23 Mar 2000 00:28:20 GMT Subject: NEW: "You, Me, God and the Starlight" 1/1 - SciNut@aol.com Category: V Rating: G Spoilers: Up to and including "Closure" Summary: Something I needed to do because it was bugging me. Archive: Please Disclaimer: Ain't mine. Thanks to Ten and Foxcub1121 for the beta. All grammar mistakes are mine alone but the tense changes are deliberate. Author's notes: I've been getting frustrated lately with the number of fanfics that claim Mulder is agnostic. I don't believe he is and there's plenty of evidence in past episodes that support a deep belief in a higher power but an equally deep anger and bitterness towards organized religion in general and towards what he perceives as God's indifference. You, Me, God and the Starlight By SciNut@aol.com (O'tay!) 2/14/00 "These fates seem too cruel even for God to allow. Or are the tragic young born again when the world's not looking? I want to believe so badly in a truth beyond our own, hidden and obscured from all those but the most sensitive of eyes, in the endless procession of souls--in what cannot and will not be destroyed. I want to believe we are unaware of God's eternal recompense and sadness, that we can not see His truth, that that which is born still lives and can not be buried in the cold earth, but only waits to be born again at God's behest. Where in ancient starlight we lay, in repose." - Mulder, "Closure" *** "I'm fine... I'm free." I've lost track of the minutes or hours that have crept by since he spoke those words so softly, as if the volume of his voice alone would shatter the fragile peace which had settled over his soul. We stand together now on a deserted street in the quiet night. He is watching the heavens while I watch him. I am reluctant to intrude on whatever solace he is finding in the clear sky above us. He deserves this moment to put all of this into perspective. It wasn't so long ago, after all, that he allowed me such a moment. Things have been... easier... since he recovered from... whatever was done to him this summer. It has felt almost like a rebirth. We talk more now. Laugh more, too, and I don't know exactly what has changed to bring this about but I'm not going to spend too much time looking for a reason. I'm just glad it did because since then we both have taken an opportunity to address certain things. Like the night I murdered Donnie Pfaster. Mulder and I talked for a long time that night after we returned to his apartment. We... or actually, I... at first, had spent several hours in silence, lost in my guilt and doubt before Mulder placed an old, leather-bound book into my hands. I was not aware of his presence and the sudden reawakening of sensation from the real world startled me. "Sorry," his voice was no louder than it is tonight. A soft whisper on a gentle breeze. I shook my head, denying the need for an apology, and looked at the worn binding. To my surprise, he had given me a bible. The question in my eyes as I looked into his left no need for words. "It was my grandfather's," he said as he softly lowered himself next to me on his couch. So softly, in fact, the leather fabric didn't even shift under his weight. "I figured you need it right now more than I do." I sighed. "I don't think I even have a right to hold it." "Scully," his voice was still soft but I could hear the frustration in it. He paused before continuing. "A wise woman once said to me 'God never lets the devil steal the show.' I think maybe this instance applies." I smile at the rush of memory he has suddenly invoked with the reminder of a conversation held so long ago. "You don't believe in God, Mulder." I do not know what possessed me to say it, but I did. At the time, I was mortified. I was too drained to argue with him and I knew it would only end in a round-about insult to my faith as it had several times during the case. So I was extremely surprised when he answered me. "I never said I didn't believe in God." "Mulder, you've made it patently clear several times..." I tried to explain myself but he interrupted. "I never said I didn't believe in God. I just disagree with your interpretation of the facts..." "So what else is new," I mutter though I meet his calm gaze. My interest and curiosity are clear. I want to understand what he is trying to tell me and I am intensely relieved when a tender smile curves his lips slightly. "Scully, I prayed for a long time, after Samantha was taken," he turns from me and stares off towards a corner where I know a framed picture of her sits on a bookshelf in the shadows. "A very long time..." He trails off and I reach for his hand with one of mine. His gaze comes back to mine at the contact but the soft smile is gone. "I was twelve and there wasn't much else I could do but pray. Every night before I entered my room..." I remember this story so I finish it for him. "...you would stand at the door and close your eyes so that when you opened them, she'd be there again. In her bed like nothing ever happened." The smile returns and I am warmed by the thought that he is happy I remembered another conversation from so very long ago. He continued, "And I waited and waited for a miracle that never came. Then, when I joined the Bureau, I spent years tracking monsters who killed in the name of God." His voice has turned bitter. "Monsters who justified the horrible things they did to innocent people because *God* told them to. I saw it happen over and over and over again and, through it all, I couldn't understand why He would allow this to happen. No loving God would allow so many innocents to suffer." He stops. His posture has become stiff and tense and suddenly I understand. All the bitter comments over the years about religion which I saw as being dismissive and hurtful were never about belief or faith; they were about anger. Anger at God for His indifference. As Mulder said earlier in the case, 'God is a spectator, Scully. He just reads the box scores.' Mulder's shaky sigh pulls me from my epiphany. "So, I *do* believe in God." Yes, but for you He is neither a forgiving God nor a vengeful God and the hopelessness that surrounds that kind of faith is terribly saddening. He sighs again as if I've said the words aloud. "I never intended to sound as if I didn't respect your faith, Scully." We are silent for several minutes before I ask, "So, in God's eyes, Pfaster got what was coming to him?" "My God doesn't care, Scully. What's one more soul? There's plenty more if He chooses it to be so." "And mine?" I'm almost afraid of his answer. He turns on the couch to face me more directly. Slipping out the hand that was still entwined with mine, he pushes the Bible upward until I am cradling it against my chest. His hand now gently covers my other hand which grips the book. "Your God, Scully? You have to forgive yourself before you can ask your God for forgiveness." He stood then and walked into his bedroom, leaving me to my moment. A moment to find comfort and forgiveness for an act with which I later came to terms. The moment I am now repaying as we stand together in the darkness staring up at the stars. Last night, he spoke so eloquently of the starlight. Of souls traveling through time looking for homes. An age-old belief so much more comforting than giant balls of superheated gases. I wonder how many nights he lay underneath the canopy of ancient light and prayed to his indifferent God who refused to hear. "What are you thinking about?" Mulder's voice drifts across the late winter night, bringing me fully back into the present. His eyes are no longer lifted to the sky but instead they are focused on me. I wonder how long he has been watching me. I look at him now and see something new. Acceptance. "What are you thinking about?" he repeats. His voice is softer and he has moved to stand next to me. "You, me, God and the starlight," I answer, taking his hand in mine. His smile lingers as our gaze drifts skyward. End. "I never stopped to think that the light is billions of years old by the time we see it. From the beginning of time right past us into the future. Nothing is ancient in the universe. But maybe they are souls, Scully. Traveling through time in the starlight. Looking for homes." -Mulder, "Closure" "I've been waiting for a miracle all my life." -Mulder, "Revelations" "I can't stand here and argue with your biblical rhetoric." -Mulder, "Miracle Man" "Why would God allow this to happen? Why does bad things happen to good people? Religion has masqueraded as the paranormal since the dawn of time to justify some of the most horrible acts in history... He may well have His reasons but He seems to use a lot of psychotics to carry out His job orders." -Mulder, "All Souls" SciNut(O'tay!) host EMXC To join the E-Mail Xfiles Creative mailing list: email: subscribe-emxc@onelist.com http://members.xoom.com/EMXC "The critical mind is the creative mind." - David Duchovny