From spooky42@juno.com Thu May 08 01:26:19 1997 Subject: *NEW* "You're on the Air..." (1/1) From: spooky42@juno.com -------- ======================== "You're on the Air..." written by GreenFish post date: 8th May 1997 ========================= MY LITTLE NOTE: Just thought of this one about a minute ago, in light of my pathetic romantic situation. My love life is looking worse than Mulder and Scully's, even... that's when I start to think, 'Save yourself by writing some fanfic, honey...' Here goes nothing! Oh, and I don't know how many of you have ever heard of the radio/TV show, "Loveline." They show it on MTV, and also play it on a number of radio stations at night. For those of you who have never heard of it, the topic is usually centered on problems of sex and romance... ========================== DISCLAIM: Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter and company, and the idea behind Loveline belongs to somebody... with a really perverted mind, I suspect, if you've ever listened to the show.... anyway, credits to them, too... DISTRIBUTE: Anywhere RATING: PG-13 CONTENT/SPOILER: None, really. No-- there's no content in this story. Seriously. It's just fluff. And lots of fun... always fun... right? Right? ARCHIVE: C; H SUMMARY: "Loveline"/X-Files crossover. What would happen if Mulder and Scully hosted a late-night sex advice call-in show? =========================== "You're on the Air..." (part 1/1) Katherine Stallenger stared at her bedpost. Sighing, she collapsed back onto the soft surface of the bed. What a depressing day, she thought. The guy that she had asked out a couple weeks ago at work-- completely ignores her. And suddenly, he began staring at her that day, like some sort of circus attraction. As if *she* were the freak. Well, she thought with a sigh, he did have the upper hand, after all. She was the one who had asked him out for the weekend-- 'a motorcycle seminar,' my ass! Only Katherine would have that kind of luck. It only figured. She leaned over, and switched on the radio nightstand. "--And we're back on 'Lovecalls,' I'm Fox Mulder, and this is my esteemed partner, Dr. Dana..." "Greetings," a female voice said. Katherine grinned. These two were hilarious, she thought. They worked for the Federal Bureau of Investigation, but yet, they still had time to get together, and work a radio program at night. And they spent half the time arguing with one another. She had often thought about calling in, but... Katherine paused, mid-thought. Why not, indeed? She picked up the phone, dialing the 800- number she had memorized from listening to the show so often. Suddenly, then, she remembered why she *hadn't* tried calling in before. Thank goodness for redial... as she kept trying, Katherine absentmindedly listened to one of the calls. "Danny, 30, you're on 'Lovecalls.'" "Yes," a voice said nervously. "Danny, what's your problem?" Dr. Dana cut in curtly. She was very quick and efficient in her way of dealing with the calls, but she also knew what she was talking about. Katherine often wondered where the other guy, Mulder got some of his theories... they were so out there... "Um... there's a gal at work that I've been trying to talk to." "Yeah?" she said. There was a sigh over the phone line. "I just... can't get myself to say anything to her. I mean, anything beyond sounding like a total doof in front of her. Do you two have any suggestions?" Katherine smiled. He had a cute voice. She, somehow, could not imagine some hunky stud accompanying that voice, however. He had to be some sort of little nerd, she thought. Maybe a cute one... "What kind of gir-- erm... woman is she, Danny?" Mulder asked. "She's just... amazing," he replied. "Uhm... I guess that doesn't help much, does it?" "Not unless she's Elle McPherson. You wanna help me and Dr. Dana out a bit?" "Well-- she's a redhead-- her hair... is so fiery, it's amazing--" "Just like yours, Dr. Dana," Mulder said. Katherine imagined him ruffling her hair, or something, just to annoy her. They were constantly flirting when they were on the air. "Some are born blessed, and some... *Fox*... just aren't," Dr. Dana shot back. "That's =Mulder= to you," he quickly shot back. For some reason, Mulder wouldn't let Dana call him by his first name... even though he called Dana by hers. "Why? Don't you want everyone to know the truth about you? Everyone's given a name for a reason..." Dr. Dana replied. "Yes, they are," Mulder said. "How about you, Danny?" he asked, relieved to be changing the subject. "Anything behind yours?" "Uh, no," he said. "It's just what my parents gave me." "Right," Dr. Dana said. "So... why don't you tell us a bit about how this woman acts towards you. Does she give you any impressions? Do you think she would react to your advances?" "Uh... uhm... I, uh-- I really don't know, I mean..." "See, Danny," Mulder broke in. "That's your problem. You're too much of a pushover. You've got to take control of the situation... you're allowing people to take too much control of you, and not the opposite." "Okay, yeah, uh... I guess so..." "No, you are..." Mulder went on, but Katherine suddenly tuned out. The phone had begun to ring! As she waited for it to pick up, she felt her hands shaking in the receiver that she was holding. *=*=*=*=* "Could I have your name, please?" the person on the other end asked. She had a Boston accent, and it almost made her want to laugh. Katherine was from the Midwest, where they spoke 'plain talk.' She didn't laugh, however. "Katherine Stallenger." "Age?" "18." "I'm going to ask you to state a quick synopsis of your problem, and then we're going to put you on hold for a while, and pick up on you when they can fit you in, all right? And if we have the time..." "Okay," Katherine said. "Just don't be too disappointed if we don't have the time to fit you in," the operator on the other end said. Katherine laughed. "I'd bet you have all these people screaming at you because they didn't get on." "You wouldn't believe," the dispatcher laughed in response. "We just hang up on 'em, then." Katherine grinned. The people on the show weren't exactly known for their great amount of tact. "So what was your problem?" the woman broke in. Katherine had almost forgotten about that--! "Oh!" she exclaimed. "I'm sorry... it's this guy at work who I asked out, and then he claimed he was busy... and just today, I caught him staring at me like some weirdo... so I wanted to know how to deal with that one." "All right," she replied. "We're got a couple heavy guy ones coming up, so I'm sure the Doctor'll want to get this one in. She hates when we get all male callers, 'cause they hit on her to no end..." Katherine laughed aloud. This woman was a riot. "Anyway-- I'm going to put you on hold, now, but you're going to be able to hear the show over the phone line, so keep your radio down, because otherwise, you'll get a distracting echo if you get called on." "All right," Katherine replied, and reached over to shut off her radio. She listened over the phone line, as the sounds of the show arrived at her ear. *=*=*=*=* Dr. Dana was obviously trying to read something. "Marr-ita? Mary? What does this--" "Just Marie is fine," a woman replied through a phone filter. "All right-- we've got Marie, 27." "Yeah, um... my problem seems to be with this man that I've been trying to seduce." Her voice was very drawn out, as if she had bought one of those self-help books with the cassette tapes that came along with them: 'How to Culture Your Voice'... Katherine giggled lightly as Mulder replied: "Well, what are you doing to him? I mean, have you gotten past the 'Hi, my name is...' stage yet?" "I can almost see that problem there already," Dr. Dana interjected. "Yes," she quickly replied. "I think I've done more than enough to make myself clear. I began out with subtle hints with small smiles, battering my eyelashes... you know, all that cliched stuff." The woman's slow, deliberate tone of voice that just screamed 'Holier than thou!' was beginning to get to Katherine. She hoped they ended the phone call soon. "Yeah, all right. Let's cut to the chase, Marie," Mulder said. "What was the last thing you tried on this guy?" "Well..." she paused. "The last thing I did was when we met, I made sure that my skirt was as short as it possibly could be without being indecent." "What else were you wearing with the skirt?" "It was part of a business suit," she replied. Oh, that was cute, Katherine thought. The Class-A, corporate Slut. She rolled her eyes. If there was anything more disgustingly desperate than this stupid woman. And she thought: how could it get any worse? Katherine continued to listen. "What did you do?" "Not much-- it was actually the part that occurred before that in which I hoped I was going to get through to him." "What happened then?" "Well, he showed up at my door, somehow. I was in my robe..." "Mulder, how often do you come around to =my= door?" Dr. Dana suddenly asked. "Only as often as you're just wearing a robe, Dr. Dana," Mulder quickly replied, not missing a beat. Marie, however, at her end, sounded very annoyed by the interruption when she continued. "Anyway... I was only wearing a robe," she said. "Yes?" Dr. Dana asked, trying not to laugh, though she wasn't doing that well at it. She coughed to cover up the fact. "And he came in, requesting some information... which had to do with work. So then, right before he was about to leave, he asked for something important. So then, of course-- favor for favor, right? I said, 'How much *time* do you have?' And it completely--" "Hold on a minute..." Mulder said. "Yes, Fox Mulder! You just walked out! You missed the ride of your life with this woman! And that's all I have to say about that!" With a loud click, the call was disconnected, and they heard a dial tone. It was shut off, and then Mulder said, "She had too much bleach in her hair for my taste, anyhow." "You actually *knew* that woman?" Dana asked. "Sure," he said. "How?" "It's a long story..." he mumbled. "So what *is* your taste?" she asked. "What?" "In hair? What's your hair color of choice?" Dana asked. "I'm looking at it right now," he replied in a low tone of voice. If Katherine hadn't known how they were on the show, she might have taken his tone seriously. He sounded that way. "I always knew you were partial to redheads," Dana replied. "No... just to you, Dr. Dana." She didn't reply to that, but instead said, "We're going to be taking a little break, and then be back right after that with our next caller..." Just then, Katherine heard the background fade out, and a little click, as a voice came on. "Katherine?" "Um... yes?" she said, slightly startled at the sound of a voice again. "Dr. Dana will be introducing you right after the break, so as soon as you hear, 'You're on the air,' then you can start talking, all right?" "Yep," Katherine said, although she was slightly nervous. *=*=*=*=* "All right, we're back, here on Lovecalls, I'm Dr. Dana... and this is Fox 'hold my vibrator, will you?' Mulder." He sighed. "Dana... when are you gonna stop making fun of me?" he asked. "As soon as you let me start calling you 'Foxy,'" she replied. "Anyway-- about that next caller," he said, quickly changing the subject again. He was pretty good at that, Katherine had noticed. She was trying not to be nervous, but she knew they were about to introduce her. "Yes," Dr. Dana said. "Our next caller is Katherine, 18... you're on the air..." "Yes," Katherine said. "I just wanted to comment how much I love your show, Dr. Dana.... Mulder... and I was just wondering, quickly, Dana-- does your partner really live up to his first name?" "You mean, is Fox really a 'fox?'" Katherine laughed a little bit. "Sure!" There was a small pause. "Oh, yeah... I'd like to play his harp any day." Her voice was dense, as if she had her mouth pressed right up against the microphone. "Yeah, Dr. Dana... we'd make beautiful children together..." "Wouldn't you be more comfortable with no clothes on, Mulder?" "I'm not wearing any right now, Dr. Dana," Mulder replied. "Oh-- so that's what *that* is!" By now, Katherine was cracking up, trying not to laugh right into the mouthpiece. Mulder, on the other hand, sounded slightly wounded in his reply. "Doctors aren't supposed to injure their patients, Dana." "Well, you certainly look fine. At least part of you is standing at attention... 'Foxy.'" "So-- Katherine... what was your problem?" Mulder asked, changing the subject one again. Katherine had to concentrate for a moment to stop her laughing fits. "Katherine?" Mulder said again. "She's trying to recover herself, Mulder. Who wouldn't laugh at the thought of you being naked?" "I'll have you know that a lot of women have found me sexy, Dana." "Your mother doesn't count, Mulder." "I think you're *trying* to kill me." "No... but if I take you down enough, I won't have to worry about the handcuffs later on." "Handcuffs?" he asked in a suggestive tone. "Anyway-- Katherine..." Dr. Dana said. "I am so sorry that we've been neglecting you. What was your problem, now?" "All right..." she began. "There was this guy at my work..." By the time she had gotten through the story, she had almost lost it four times, and forgot what she was going to say the next moment, three. "So what is it you really wanted?" Mulder asked. "I think she wants to know how to really burn this guy," Dr. Dana replied. "Taking a motorcycle convention for you?" "That's the thing about guys, Dr. Dana... Big loud engines, the wind roaring past your ears... how can you pass that up?" "Isn't there something to be said for a little wine 'n dine with a beautiful woman, Mulder?" "Is that an offer, Dr. Dana?" "I'd say that is," Katherine giggled over the line. "Just remember, Mulder... I said 'wine 'n dine'... not 'sixty-nine' 'em," Dr. Dana replied. Mulder said, "You sure about that?" "I don't want to think about that right now, Mulder... we still haven't dealt with Katherine's problem yet." "You should let him be with his little motorcycles," Mulder replied. "For once, I have to agree with my demented partner," Dana said. "You should just go on with your life... find someone else to go out places with, spend a little time... and if he keeps staring, let him stare. It's not doing you any harm, is it?" "No..." she said. "Look, the only thing it can do is make him look like an idiot," Dr. Dana continued. "As for us... that's going to be our show for tonight..." Katherine heard the click as her end was disconnected, and she hung up, turning up the radio once again. "I'm Dr. Dana, and from the pants of Fox Mulder, we're saying... good night!" The closing music came up, some new song by Depeche Mode, and the show faded out. She turned off the radio, and got changed to go to sleep, slipping under her covers. Katherine sighed contentedly, feeling a little better about her problems. Somehow, through the suggestive flirting between them, and their quick comforts, Katherine felt a bit better about the situation itself... hoping that someday, she could meet someone that she clicked with as much as Fox Mulder and Dr. Dana did on 'Lovecalls'... =THE END= ------------------------------- Well. I wrote this one in a couple hours, over a quick thought-- every time I think I'm going to work on stories I've already started, I get distracted. Go figure! If you liked this, found it funny, or like the new characterization of 'Foxy' and Dr. Dana, PLEASE write me... I can never have enough feedback: --------------------------------- "Scully, are you coming on to me?" -Mulder, 'Quagmire' ----------------------------------